Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
barbara walters just said penis...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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