it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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