My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
