thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
