I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
