I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
