when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize