i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my sisters under your porch take her home
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
