I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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