in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
