Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
