I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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