I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
