I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
