I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
