No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
