i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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