I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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