I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
