just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize