You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i love accidental penises.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
ttyl tear gas
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
