I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize