yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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