I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
