This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
