There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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