Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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