Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
