There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
