My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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