sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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