Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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