I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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