just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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