Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
