Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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