I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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