my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
