So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
