I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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