Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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