Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
