I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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