how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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