Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Pooping to opera.
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