I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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