Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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