you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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