She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
