Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
