dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
