quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
