dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
