I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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