I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Two words: nipple clamps
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