Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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