Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
