i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
