i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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