My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
