What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
